Conductor: "Start three measures before the da
capo."
Principal violist: "Hold on! We don't have measure numbers."
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Radio presenter, Tim Pollard, on BBC Radio Jersey, when introducing a piece of music by the well-known British composer, Eric Coates, said:
"All Eric Coates ever wanted to do was to write music to entertain. But for a while he was a professional viola player."
After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His
wife saw the case and asked "What's that?"
(In Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave their instruments
in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals and performances.)
A violist and a 'cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the 'cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him "Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ..."
The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Came to my house?"
A 'cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. Presently a waiter came over to serve them.
"Good Evening, sir," he said to the 'cellist. "And what would like tonight?"
"I'd like a rump steak, medium rare," replied the 'cellist.
"Would you like anything with that?"
"What do you have?"
"Salad?" suggested the waiter.
"No, thank you," said the cellist.
"Potatoes?"
"Ah, no."
"Vegetables?"
"Oh, they'll have what I'm having."
A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, "You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill."
The pianist said, "Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills."
The viola player said, "You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]"
A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"
A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "viola left hand, bow right."
A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists."
A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player--unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a viola player."
The viola player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?"
"Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.
The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.
"No problem," replied the violist.
"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."
"I know. It'll be all right."
The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"
Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
A musician from the Chicago Symphony one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie.
"Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.
"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to to bring peace to this land."
The genie, a little caught off gaurd, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."
"Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the Chicago Symphony viola section play in tune."
The genie quickly thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."
A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.
The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?"
The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
When "Oetzi," the famous glacier-mummy, was found in the Alps, archeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice-fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a violist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?
In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there?"
The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask."
The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter.
"Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply.
"Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said.
"Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!"
The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree.
"OW!," cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below.
"Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?"
"Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us."
"I don't understand," said his friend.
"Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face.
"Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.
Once upon a time there was a hospital where they made brain transplantations. A client asked about the prices.
The doctor said, " Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000...this brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000...oh yes, here we a violist's brain as well. It costs $50000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great violist joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a violist".
"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"
A psychiartrist walks into a brain shop, and says to the propriator "Hello. I am here to do some reasearch on human brains. What do you have in stock?"
"Well," propriator began, "We have some Harvard MBA brains at $10 a pound. We also have a few NASA brains going for about $100 a pound. And, just in today, we have some fresh violist brains."
"How much are they?" the scientist inquired.
"$1000 a pound."
"Wow! That's expensive! Every orchestra has them. Why are they so expesive? Are they really high quality?"
"Well, no, they're about average. But, do you know how many violists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
A violist and a percussionist were walking in a park. The percussionist saw a dead crow and said to the violist, "Look, a dead crow."
The violist looked up and asked, "Where?"
One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"
His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a violist."
The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a violist."
On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a violist?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."
Two years ago an orchestra was on tour in France. One evening they decided to go find some snails so they could have escargot for dinner. Everybody was given a bag and send into the vineyards.
Gradually everybody came back with their bags filled with snails. All sections were there except the violists, who returned several hours later. The concertmaster asked, "Were have you been for so long and why are your bags empty?"
"Well," they said, "I don't know how you managed, but It was a disaster. We saw a lot of snails, but they were quick! Just as we went to get them, rush...and they were gone!"
A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals.
After a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no answer.
Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked "What is wrong? Why have the drums stopped?"
The native guide replied "Very bad."
"What?" asked Horace, who was expecting the worst. The guide answered "When drum stops, very bad--next comes viola
solo!" For sale: Viola, German, 19th century, 405mm. Excellent
condition. Recently tuned. Established string quartet requires two violinists and a 'cellist. The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.
On his way up the street with the golden rat under his arm, the man became aware of a scuffling sound behind him. By and by he realized that rats were following him as he walked, and with every step he took, more rats were joining the scores already behind him. The man started to panic. There were so many rats after three blocks that traffic stopped in the streets. The man began to run, and headed towards the East River, millions of rats in his footsteps. At the end of the piers he stopped and threw the golden rat out into the water: past him rushed virtually every rat on Manhattan island, and every one jumped off the dock after the statue, and drowned.
The man was flabbergasted. He walked back to the pawnshop. The owner tried to lock the door of the shop when he saw the man arriving, but the man got in too quickly. "Look here," said the proprietor, "I told you I never wanted to see you again in this shop!" "Don't worry," said the man, "I just had the most fantastic
experience of my life. It was terrific! I just came back to see whether you had a statue of a gold Violist."
The second night the man was kept up again by the drums. The next morning he complained to the guide, who only shook his head, explaining "Drums never stop. Bad things happen if drums stop."
The third night the drums were louder and closer and more insistent than ever. The man didn't sleep a wink. In the morning, exasperated, he woke the guide, and shouted at him. "The drums! When will they stop?!" The guide, merely shook his head calmly. "Drums never stop. Bad things happen if drums stop."
"But what could happen? What could possibly be that bad?!" cried the man. "Bad things," replied his guide sadly. "Drums stop, Violas start."
Five minutes later, the conductor's phone rings again. "I'd like to speak to your viola player." The conductor again replies, "Our viola player is dead." The caller again hangs up.
Five minutes later, he calls back again. "I'd like to speak to your viola player". The conductor answers, "I told you, our viola player is dead. Why do you keep calling?".
"I like to hear it!"
The musician was walking on the beach, enjoying his vacation. Without
realizing it, he kicked a bottle lying in the sand, and it hit a rock
and broke. A puff of smoke erupted from the bottle, and before the
musician stood a genie.
The genie bowed low to the startled man,
and said, "Oh, kind sir, thank you a thousand times. You have
liberated me from my two hundred and fifty years of imprisonment in
that vile vessel of glass. I am indebted to you and am your humble
servant. I ask you to please make a wish; any wish of your choice, be
it large or be it small. Be certain that it shall be granted."
The musician thought for a few moments, and finally answered,
"Yes, there is something you can do, not only for me but for the whole
world. The situation in the Middle East has become horrendous. There
are killings and shootings every day. The Arabs and the Jews have
only hate for each other. There is no peace at all. Can you put a
halt to the constant turmoil and bring peace and love to these
nations?"
The genie scratched his head, and answered. "You know, I
have been sequestered in that bottle for two-and-one-half centuries,
and I do not know the countries you are talking about. Would you,
perhaps, have a map of the area that I may see, and you can better
show me to what you refer?"
The man, obviously concerned and
preoccupied with the Middle East situation, and spending much of his
reading time studying the ongoing events in that area, just happened
to be carrying a book that contained the necessary maps, and produced
them for the genie to study. After much thinking, the genie replied
that his unfamiliarity with the scene was a bit too great, that the
problems presented seemed enormous, and that he was not able or
equipped to come up with an instant solution. He said, "I feel I must
decline to grant the wish you ask, but if you will ask of me some
other request, I will hope to do better with it, and satisfy you."
Disappointed, the musician answered, "OK, in that case, I play in
an orchestra. It would really sound very good, if only the viola
section had better intonation. They are hopeless. Can you do
something to get them to play in tune?"
The genie again scratched
his head, and this time thought for a very long time before replying.
Finally he said, "May I see that map of the Middle East again?"
Advertisements
Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players
[5 pts.]
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[5 pts.]
[10 pts.]
[1 pt.]
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
[5 pts.]
[5 pts.]
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]
[4 pts.]
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
[5 pts.]
[5 pts.]
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham
[5 pts.]
[5 pts.]
[5 pts.]
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
[5 pts.]
[5 pts.]
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
[5 pts.]
[5 pts.]
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
[5 pts.]
[5 pts.]
COMPARISONS - AN AID TOWARDS UNDERSTANDING:
Never mind.
THE PROFESSIONAL VIOLIST AT WORK:
plumber driving into town?
and a dead Accordian player lying in the road.
THE PUBLIC'S REGARD FOR VIOLISTS:
and a dead snake lying in the road.
and a dead Accordian player lying in the road.
What can be surmised from this?
The terrorist is probably on his way to a gig.
TAKING CARE OF YOUR VIOLA:
THE VIOLA LITERATURE:
Except maybe 200 2nd graders with Accordians accompanying a 75-year-old
retired wrestler on Bagpipes, performing a Phillip Glass arrangement of
Variations on the Brady Bunch theme song.
That's worse.
Then change all 16th notes to 8ths, and take out all the 32nd notes.
Finally, mark the part "OPTIONAL; PLAY ONLY IF THERE IS NO ACCORDIAN."
VIOLA SOLOS: (don't laugh ...)
PLAYING THE VIOLA:
Listen, I can get you a great deal on the Brooklyn Bridge.
6 easy payments of $39.95.
VIOLAS - PLAYING TOGETHER:
(It also helps with the homeless problem.)
Famous Viola players:
Stop me if you've heard this one department:
After majoring in Viola at Juilliard, Murray auditioned for the Boston Symphony and got the gig. He and his new bride moved to Boston. After 40 years with the BSO Murray decided it was time to retire. When his last concert was over, the orchestra threw him a party backstage. There was champagne, toasts, testimonials ... and a few Viola jokes. After the party, Murray cleaned out his locker and went home.
When he walked in the house carrying his Viola, his wife snapped, "Where the hell have you been? Its almost 1am! Have you been drinking? And what the hell is that thing you're carrying?"
You're crawling through the desert - dying of thirst.
Suddenly you see a good Viola player, a bad Viola player, and Santa Claus.
Which one should you ask for water?
The bad Viola player: the other two are mirages.
A Viola player returns home to find his house a pile of smoldering rubble. Police, fire and EMS vehicles and workers are everywhere. A Police Lieutenant takes him aside and gently relates the sordid story: The symphony conductor was having an affair with the Violist's wife. Apparently an S&M session had turned violent when their 6 year old came home from school early. The conductor beat both of them badly and in a fit of rage set the house on fire. Mother and daughter have been taken to the hospital and the conductor is under arrest.
Dumbfounded, the Violist exclaims, "I can't believe it: The conductor came to MY house?"
The orchestra is warming up backstage when suddenly the conductor is taken ill and rushed to the hospital. The scheduled program was to be all very difficult Berg pieces. No conductors are available on this short notice and the orchestra manager is at his wit's end since the alternative is to send the audience home. Suddenly he remembers that one of the viola players did a thesis on Berg in school. Desperate, he asks the man if he would be willing to conduct the program. The violist tells him frankly that he has never conducted before, but is willing to give it a try.
Sparing the details, he conducts; The orchestra comes through in the clutch, and the audience is wildly appreciative - giving the substitute conductor a long standing ovation.
The next morning, at rehearsal, the violist's stand mate turns to him and asks, "Hey ... where were you last night? We had a great concert."
Did you hear about the Violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
A Viola player, fed up with the bad jokes and lack of appreciation, decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a Viola player."
The Viola player is astonished.
"That's right; I am. But how did you know?"
"Well sir, for one thing, this is hardware store."
A Violinist was walking on the beach and discovered an old oil lamp. He brought it home and - expecting nothing - rubbed it and was amazed when a grateful genie emerged and offered to grant him a wish.
The Violinist declares that he has his health and isn't much interested in material things, but his deepest wish is to see peace come to the Middle East.
The genie points out that he has been imprisoned for two thousand years and has no familiarity with that area or the countries referred to. The Violinist takes out the world atlas to show him, but the genie is clearly overwhelmed by the complexities and politics of the region.
"You know, if you just wanted riches or beautiful women or power" he said, "I could handle that in a second. I'll keep my promise, but I gotta tell you ... racial problems are really complex. It's gonna take me a long time to work out the right spell. Isn't there something a little simpler I could do for you? Really, anything else at all? Just name it!"
The Violinist thinks for a minute.
"Well, there's one other thing. I really love my job with the symphony, but that damned Viola section is always out of tune. Could you maybe cast a spell or something that would bring them more together?"
The genie thinks this over and finally responds;
"Violas? Uh, just let me take another look at that atlas, would you?"
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of Viola players. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one Violist every hour.
The personnel manager broke up an intermission fight between an Oboeist and a Violist. The Oboeist complained that the Violist had knocked his reeds all over the floor. The Violist in turn cried "He turned one of my pegs, and now he won't tell me which one!"
Browsing a pawn shop, a Violin player noticed an unusual statue of a golden rat. Fascinated with its ugliness, he bought it. Walking along with the golden rat under his arm, the Violinist heard noises behind him. Turning around, he found that he was being followed by an large group of live rats. As he walked more and more rats joined the parade. He began to run; the rats came on faster. The herd swelled in size. Traffic ground to a halt. People were screaming and running every which way. Lost, the man suddenly found himself at the waterfront. He was heading onto a pier and would soon be trapped. He reached the end, and stumbled to a halt. In his panic he dropped the golden rat, which tumbled off the end of the pier into the river. As he watched in amazement, the live rats rushed past him, dived into the river, and drowned.
Later that day, he found his way back to the pawn shop. The owner said immediately that he hoped the Violinist didn't intend to return the rat statue, and indicated a sign that said "All Sales Final".
"Oh no", said the Violinist; "There's no problem at all. I was just wondering if you had any statues of Viola players?"
The Violist in the back of the orchestra section turned to his desk partner when the page was filled with sixteenth notes and said,
"You'd better take this. I have a wife and kids."
Ten-year old Susie comes home from her first day of school all excited.
"Mommy, mommy; the music teacher is going to give me music lessons at school. And look ... he gave me a Viola to play. See? Isn't it pretty?"
"That's nice, dear."
"Mommy, Mr. Jackson showed me how to play 4 notes in first position on the C string!"
"That's nice, dear. Wash your hands, its time for dinner."
And the next day Susie comes home from school, again full of excitement.
"Mommy, Mr. Jackson showed me how to play 4 more notes ... on the G string!"
"That's very nice, dear. Wash your hands, its time for dinner."
"Susie, where have you been? Daddy and I have been worried sick. Are you OK?"
"I'm sorry mom. I know I should have phoned you, but I got a last minute call to sub with the Philharmonic.
A Violist parked his car on 42nd street - leaving his Viola on the back seat - while he ran into a store. Not a smart thing to do in New York City!
When he came out he found the side window was smashed, his car stereo ripped out of the dash, his cellular phone was gone ... and there were two Violas on the back seat.
CLASSIFIEDS:
Recently tuned.
"Great! OK. You have 895 sheep."
"That's amazing! You're right. Well, you get one of my sheep. Now, if I can guess your profession, can I have my animal back?"
"Well, sure, that's fair, though I bet you'll never get it."
"You're a Violist."
"Well, that's correct! How did you know?"
"Put down my dog," said the shepherd, "and I'll tell you."
Driving home from a quartet gig one day, a Violist heard the scream of sirens from his neighborhood. As he got closer to his own street the noise increased. He could smell smoke, and the glare of emergency flashers was everywhere. Turning at the last corner, he was horrified to see that it was his own home, or at any rate, what was left of it, which was on fire. The police stopped him from going any further.
"What happened, what happened?!" the violist cried.
"I'm so sorry sir. The conductor of your orchestra came in here a couple hours ago, after you'd left home. He raped your wife and killed her, kidnapped your children and set fire to the house as he left. Sir? You should sit down sir, you don't look well, sir."
The Violist, his mouth open, was past hearing the policeman. "The Maestro," he murmured. "Just think, the Maestro came to my house!"
What's the difference?
"Don't jump!" he urged. "Just think of never seeing another beautiful sunset; of never hearing the birds sing again."
"I don't care", said the desperate man.
"Then think of your loved ones, your wife and children, who will never see you again."
"They are part of the problem," was the answer.
"Then think of the music. If you jump you'll never hear a recording of William Primrose again!."
"Who's William Primrose?"
"Go on and jump!"
When they arrived at the violist's house, they found a large and completed jigsaw puzzle sitting on the table in the study. They admired it and one of the members of the quartet asked their host how long it had taken to put it together. The violist replied, "Six months."
"Six months?" asked the cellist. "Why so long?"
The violist looked shocked. "I thought that was quite an accomplishment! The box said '2 to 3 years'!"